𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲
Fucks fell out of the sky
Like the first shower in July
And for once I didn’t try to hoard them in my hands.
I have less to give now and so I choose the things I care about.
When I turned thirty
Boulders fell off of my shoulders
And pennies fell out of my head
Along with all the useless thoughts I’d held there.
Thoughts about what you think of me
Of what you say I should be
Of how you taught me to live
I have so much more to give
Than the way you moulded my form
For the first time I knew I was out of the norm
And that it’s actually a wonderful thing.
When I turned thirty
My mouth ran out of apologetic words.
I now say Sorry and Thank You only when I feel it
And to my suprise, I feel gratitude and compassion every single day.
When I turned thirty
You said I’m too old
I’m not a wife
I’m not a mother
I’m not a career woman
I’m not even a stereotypical desperate spinster cougar
You couldn’t put me in a box and said I outlived my purpose
And for the first time, I was free to find mine.I searched high and low
And then came upon a meadow where fun and pleasure grew.
I saw that butterflies alight only when I’m not chasing them.
I started believing that even though life might be shortI live an infinite number of times and can play an infinite number of games if I wanted to.
When I turned thirty
I bloomed into my desire
Leaned into my life
Skipped into my quirky
Breathed into my pain
For the first time I chose me instead of you or even we
I paused I cried into my own arms until I healed
And I told my little child inside that even though you will hurt again,
I got your back and the Universe got ours.
When I turned thirty
I looked people in the eye.
I looked men who mentally undress me in the eye and saw them go down in confusion and shame.
I looked women who judge my style in the eye and saw insecurities clouding their view.
I looked everyone in the eye and realized
That after a while, all eyes are breath-taking
And that some eyes will even look back and hold me whenever mine are heavy with tears.
When I turned thirty
I realised that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.
It’s not what I’m meant to be.
I’m not generic eye candy,
I’m an acquired taste
And it would be such a waste
Trying to sell myself short
To diabetic rejecters.
That I’m not Old Monk
So I stopped forcing myself
To mix with water soda coke anything
To help people take me in comfortably.
When I turned thirty
I flew.
I discovered a richer palette next to me and drew
A picture I even didn’t know I wanted to.
When I turned thirty
I fit.
I’m feel like myself now, comfortable and sexy.
I learned that life can get happy, comfy, angry, vexy
But all I have to do is close my eyes, touch my heart and say, I’m with you.
When I turned thirty
I realized that sometimes my poems will sound like Granny gathering her children around her for some gyaan.
And that’s cool.
Because when I turned thirty, I lived.
©Shweta Bhat
