𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲

Fucks fell out of the sky

Like the first shower in July

And for once I didn’t try to hoard them in my hands.

I have less to give now and so I choose the things I care about.

When I turned thirty

Boulders fell off of my shoulders

And pennies fell out of my head

Along with all the useless thoughts I’d held there.

Thoughts about what you think of me

Of what you say I should be

Of how you taught me to live

I have so much more to give

Than the way you moulded my form

For the first time I knew I was out of the norm

And that it’s actually a wonderful thing.

When I turned thirty

My mouth ran out of apologetic words.

I now say Sorry and Thank You only when I feel it

And to my suprise, I feel gratitude and compassion every single day.

When I turned thirty

You said I’m too old

I’m not a wife

I’m not a mother

I’m not a career woman

I’m not even a stereotypical desperate spinster cougar

You couldn’t put me in a box and said I outlived my purpose

And for the first time, I was free to find mine.I searched high and low

And then came upon a meadow where fun and pleasure grew.

I saw that butterflies alight only when I’m not chasing them.

I started believing that even though life might be shortI live an infinite number of times and can play an infinite number of games if I wanted to.

When I turned thirty

I bloomed into my desire

Leaned into my life

Skipped into my quirky

Breathed into my pain

For the first time I chose me instead of you or even we

I paused I cried into my own arms until I healed

And I told my little child inside that even though you will hurt again,

I got your back and the Universe got ours.

When I turned thirty

I looked people in the eye.

I looked men who mentally undress me in the eye and saw them go down in confusion and shame.

I looked women who judge my style in the eye and saw insecurities clouding their view.

I looked everyone in the eye and realized

That after a while, all eyes are breath-taking

And that some eyes will even look back and hold me whenever mine are heavy with tears.

When I turned thirty

I realised that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.

It’s not what I’m meant to be.

I’m not generic eye candy,

I’m an acquired taste

And it would be such a waste

Trying to sell myself short

To diabetic rejecters.

That I’m not Old Monk

So I stopped forcing myself

To mix with water soda coke anything

To help people take me in comfortably.

When I turned thirty

I flew.

I discovered a richer palette next to me and drew

A picture I even didn’t know I wanted to.
When I turned thirty

I fit.

I’m feel like myself now, comfortable and sexy.

I learned that life can get happy, comfy, angry, vexy

But all I have to do is close my eyes, touch my heart and say, I’m with you.

When I turned thirty

I realized that sometimes my poems will sound like Granny gathering her children around her for some gyaan.

And that’s cool.

Because when I turned thirty, I lived.

©Shweta Bhat

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