I remind myself of my enoughness everyday.

It’s right there in my calendar
Nestled between nudges to
“Take meds” and
“Drink water now!”
My reminder reads
And this is enough.

Because some days I am not
Enough enough
To not care about what others will think.
What if I write
“I am enough.”
And my best friend takes a peek
Asks me about this New-Agey nonsense?
Then on other days I am enough again
And I remember that
I no longer have best friends like that.

I remind myself of my enoughness everyday.
It is a new language
To a tongue familiar with lack.
My mouth makes weird shapes when I say this word.
I cannot look at my own reflection.
This exercise makes me laugh and cry,
Snigger in contempt at my own hubris,
Shy away in shame because surely
No other human being needs to do this?
I persevere, pushing through myself
Opening enough windows that new light streams through.
I am now able to discern dark corners and shadows in my heart.

It isn’t enough to just remind myself of my enoughness everyday.
At times, I want to remind others of theirs too.
To bathe in this strange waterfall means
To shed tattered clothing that has clung to us all our lives.
Of course, everyone must choose
And it’s enough today that you choose to stay where you are.
I must make my peace with this. It isn’t easy.

It’s like spending the night in a new house with unfamiliar house-senses.
I am wide awake for hours, tossing and turning in this damn enoughness,
Sometimes I search for something or someone to blame
And yes, what I seek always finds me.
And so, I find it necessary
To remind myself of my enoughness everyday.
And I continue to hope that one day,
This will be home.

Β©Shweta Bhat

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